Step One for Fighting Binge Eating and Losing Weight.
1. Monitor your food and feelings
2. Get more sleep
So I’m writing my Binge Eating Self Help Blog post and I realize that I have been on a fucking bad Merry-Go-Round. Let’s start with binge eating. I get stressed, I binge eat, I feel bad about myself, I binge eat because it makes me feel better, I get stressed and so goes the merry-go-round.
Here’s another example, I try a new diet, start restricting my calorie intake, or avoid certain foods like the plague, the minute I fail, I feel bad about myself, I then binge eat, I feel even worse about myself, I binge eat.
Fuck this shit. This is absolutely, fucking insane! This is self-imposed insanity! What’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same things over and over expecting different results.
What promoted this post? I haven’t recorded in my daily journal for like five days now. I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in weeks. Basically I failed all of Step One. I feel like a failure so now I want to binge. I want to binge on fried chicken wings and pistachio gelato. I want to drink a two liter bottle of grape soda.
Of course then I will feel even more depressed and more like a loser. So what’s the point in binging? Like I said, I’m getting off this fucking Merry-Go-Round.
Maybe my new blog about binge eating is causing me to binge. Or maybe I’m not binging, just imaging that I am, but I’m pretty sure that I am.
I have to eat everything in front of me. No matter how full I am. It’s not coming from a need to NOT waste anything. I don’t know. I just keep shoving the food in and when I do, I feel good. That’s how I know I’m in the midst of a binge. But I’m trying to think when food didn’t make me feel good. Food should just taste good. It should be euphoric. It shouldn’t be crack to me. I shouldn’t feel like a fat, hopeless, ugly slob after I eat. But I do.
Today, I had a fried chicken breast. I deboned the breast and cut the meat into strips. It was a large breast so there were many strips. I fried them and eat all ten of the strips. I had three or four glasses of grape soda. I couldn’t even tell you if the food tasted good. It just felt good putting it into my mouth. Just like whenever I’m suffering from allergies and my sinuses are all stuffed up, when I eat, the pain and annoyance of my allergies melts away and for 5-20 minutes I feel sooo good. And then my allergies act up. I don’t know if they actually go away or if I’m so engrossed in the euphoricness of eating that I’m just not bothered by it.
I really, really want to lose weight. I’m so sick of feeling uncomfortable. I’m so sick of being the fat one. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m less than every one else. I’m fucking 32 years old. When will this shit end?
Does anyone else feel this way?