Step One for Fighting Binge Eating and Losing Weight.
1. Monitor your food and feelings
2. Get more sleep
I feel asleep right after work, so now I’m going to be up all night. I missed an opportunity to actually go out and be social.
Last time I ate it was around 5pm. I’m not hungry now. I should be. I’m making vanilla granola, which I added ground flax seed to. Next time I’m going to add some dried apricots or just make this into a granola bar.
I’m also making turkey burgers. I’m going to wrap them in plastic wrap and freeze them for later.
Maybe I’ll also make sweet potato hash with sausage and eggs. I made this before and it was so good.
My house smells kinda good right now.
Don’t skip meals! I’m finding that I binge mostly because I starve myself during the day. Yes there are times when I binge because of how I feel. When I binge, even if it’s because I starve myself, I still feel like I have no control over how much food I’m eating.
So I’m going to move onto to Step Two and make sure that I do not go without eating for more than four hours. I also need to make sure that I’m eating nutritional foods so my body isn’t robbed of any good nutrients!
So I’m writing my Binge Eating Self Help Blog post and I realize that I have been on a fucking bad Merry-Go-Round. Let’s start with binge eating. I get stressed, I binge eat, I feel bad about myself, I binge eat because it makes me feel better, I get stressed and so goes the merry-go-round.
Here’s another example, I try a new diet, start restricting my calorie intake, or avoid certain foods like the plague, the minute I fail, I feel bad about myself, I then binge eat, I feel even worse about myself, I binge eat.
Fuck this shit. This is absolutely, fucking insane! This is self-imposed insanity! What’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same things over and over expecting different results.
What promoted this post? I haven’t recorded in my daily journal for like five days now. I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in weeks. Basically I failed all of Step One. I feel like a failure so now I want to binge. I want to binge on fried chicken wings and pistachio gelato. I want to drink a two liter bottle of grape soda.
Of course then I will feel even more depressed and more like a loser. So what’s the point in binging? Like I said, I’m getting off this fucking Merry-Go-Round.
Yesterday, I ate nothing all day long. Seriously. That’s something that rarely happens. I never seem to do it on purpose. It’s not because I’m NOT hungry. It’s mostly because I’m too lazy and too poor. If I have no desire to cook then I will order out. But if I’m too poor, then I can’t order out so I HAVE to cook. However there are days like yesterday, where I had no money and I was too lazy to cook.
I feel asleep at like 6pm. I woke up at 12am. There goes creating a good sleep pattern. Anyway, I made spinach lasagna, wrote a little fan fiction, well what once started out as a fanfic, but now has evolved into something else.
I ate three small slices of the lasagna. I wished that I only ate one, but since I was restricting all day, I’m okay with eating three slices. I’m not okay with the habit that I’m forming though.
So I need to work harder to maintain an adequate sleeping pattern. I also need to learn portion control. Besides binging that is the biggest impediment to my weight loss success.
Maybe my new blog about binge eating is causing me to binge. Or maybe I’m not binging, just imaging that I am, but I’m pretty sure that I am.
I have to eat everything in front of me. No matter how full I am. It’s not coming from a need to NOT waste anything. I don’t know. I just keep shoving the food in and when I do, I feel good. That’s how I know I’m in the midst of a binge. But I’m trying to think when food didn’t make me feel good. Food should just taste good. It should be euphoric. It shouldn’t be crack to me. I shouldn’t feel like a fat, hopeless, ugly slob after I eat. But I do.
Today, I had a fried chicken breast. I deboned the breast and cut the meat into strips. It was a large breast so there were many strips. I fried them and eat all ten of the strips. I had three or four glasses of grape soda. I couldn’t even tell you if the food tasted good. It just felt good putting it into my mouth. Just like whenever I’m suffering from allergies and my sinuses are all stuffed up, when I eat, the pain and annoyance of my allergies melts away and for 5-20 minutes I feel sooo good. And then my allergies act up. I don’t know if they actually go away or if I’m so engrossed in the euphoricness of eating that I’m just not bothered by it.
I really, really want to lose weight. I’m so sick of feeling uncomfortable. I’m so sick of being the fat one. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m less than every one else. I’m fucking 32 years old. When will this shit end?
Does anyone else feel this way?